Alexandrian Animal House
by Nintend2CapriSun
Summary: This fanfic is a parody of the movie "National Lampoon's Animal House" Zidane and his friends struggle through college life in the Delta Chi Tantalus fraternity at Alexandria University. They push through boring classes and contend with their killjoy of a headmaster, Dean Garland. Multiple parings, some including OCs. Rated M for language and sexual humor.
1. Alexandria University

Full disclosure: I own nothing in this. And I was a bit rusty when I wrote this so don't be rude if this doesn't come out right. Note: One OC will be partially introduced in chapter 4 and reintroduced in chapter 13. One OC will be introduced in chapter 8 and another OC will be brought in on chapter 14.

Alexandrian Animal House

Chapter 1

Alexandria University

During the night at Alexandria University, two very familiar freshmen friends were walking down the sidewalk. These two friends were the loyal and courageous tailed thief Zidane Tribal and the ever-lovable little black mage Vivi Ornitier. Zidane was dressed in his usual thieves' clothes while wearing a jacket, Vivi was also dressed the way he normally does, he wore his tattered hat, dark blue coat, striped pants, brown boots and leather gloves, but this time he had a blue and yellow beanie perched on the bend of his hat point, and his hat was pulled back a little, revealing his face, which was similar to that of an innocent little boy, his irises were gold-colored, his skin was bright and tan, he had brown messy hair that was done up in low-limping spikes. The two faithful friends were walking across the campus toward a strange frat house that resembled a very small castle of some sorts. Zidane straightened his coat.

"Vivi, will you take off that beanie?" Zidane asked.

"But we're supposed to wear it until homecoming," Vivi responded, refusing to take off his beanie.

"Just don't be such a fruit okay?" Zidane said as he zipped up his coat.

"Okay," Vivi answered as he straightened his hat. Zidane knocked on the frat house door. A tall black mage answered the door, he had a set of violet-blue wings, a blue coat, dark blue pants, dark brown gloves and boots on and his hair was smooth and dark brown.

"Hello. Doug Black Waltz Neidermeyer, Omega membership chairman," the black mage said politely as he shook Zidane's hand as he came in. Zidane then introduced himself,

"Zidane Tribal, and this is-," Zidane's sentence was cut short due to Doug accidentally closing the door on Vivi. Doug opened the door again.

"This is my roommate, Vivi Ornitier," Zidane finished as Vivi came in while straightening his hat and beanie again.

"These are our name tag hostesses, Beatrix and Lily," Doug said, indicating two nearby girls. Both girls happily greeted Zidane and Vivi while pinning name tags on them.

"Hi, you two, welcome to Omega house," Lily said with a smile on her face.

"Now why don't we go and meet some of the guys," Doug suggested as he ushered Zidane and Vivi out into a large room. As soon as Vivi and Zidane were out of earshot, Beatrix and Lily started laughing.

"A rat-kid and a peewee mage," Lily giggled. Zidane and Vivi looked around the room, most of the people were tall black mages, others were normal humans, only one was a Genome. Zidane felt out of place because of this.

"There are a lot of great guys here, so don't feel you have to meet everyone," Doug said to Zidane and Vivi as he ushered them through the crowd. Zidane and Vivi continued to overhear other members saying how Omega was superior to any other fraternity on the campus and stuff like that. Doug introduced Zidane and Vivi to a lot of the guys, but he kept saying Zidane's name wrong, and that was starting to piss him off. Doug took his leave. Zidane and Vivi were not sure what to say to the guys. Vivi got bored and started to wander, then he overheard a conversation.

"Now I'm not gonna say that Omega's the best house on campus, but a lot of outstanding guys figure they'll pledge Omega, or they won't pledge at all. We do have more than our share of campus leaders, and that's something that never looks bad on your permanent record, Skip," said the only Genome in the crowd to a young man.

"Well, sure. Everybody I talk to says that Omega's the best, but I hate to seem pushy-," the young man, Skip's sentence was cut off by the Genome.

"Let the unacceptable candidates worry, because after tonight they're-," the Genome stopped speaking. "You're Vivi," he said to Vivi, who had wandered near.

"I'm Kuja Arnolan, president of Omega House, I'd like you to meet my friends, Beatrix and Skip," the Genome said to Vivi while indicating his two friends. Kuja then introduced Vivi to several of the other guys, he eventually wound up introducing him to Zidane, but he said Zidane's name wrong, making Zidane growl angrily. Vivi and Zidane quickly left the house.

 **Author's Note: Just an FYI, a lot of the pairings won't come in until later. And some of the chapters are short**


	2. The Worst House on the Campus

Chapter 2

The Worst House on the Campus

"I don't know, Zidane. I don't think you're trying very hard," Vivi said to Zidane as they walked down to the next frat house.

"I hate this," Zidane said with annoyance.

"Look, no sweat. My older brother Lan was a Delta, so that makes me a legacy. They have to take me, it's like their law, don't worry, I'll put in a good word for you," Vivi said reassuringly.

"Great, I heard that Delta's the worst frat house on campus," Zidane said. The two walked toward the next frat house, but it wasn't a frat house. It was a theater ship that had been repurposed into a frat house. Suddenly, an old wooden beer keg came flying out smashing through one of the windows and shattered into a number of pieces on the ground at Zidane and Vivi's feet. Loud, upbeat nightclub disco rave dance music-the kind that played at the Rock Solid from 'Conker's Bad Fur Day' (look it up on YouTube to see what I mean. And no, I've never actually played CBFD)-could be heard through the broken window. Zidane and Vivi walked toward a man in a rusty suit of armor, who was taking a leak.

"Excuse me sir, is this the Delta House?" Vivi asked the man. The man turned to face Zidane and Vivi, splattering his piss on the two in the process.

"Sure. Come on in," the man answered drunkenly as he zipped up his pants, adjusted his armor and led them into the ship through a door on the side of it. Vivi and Zidane quickly shook themselves to get most of the pee off before walking in. One look at the interior, and Zidane thought he had found a place he could call home. Several people were in the ship, most of them were Genomes, some were normal people, and few were FF XII moogles. It looked like the place had held many parties, since it was quite a mess, and every now and then, a beer mug could be heard shattering against a wall. Most of the walls were decorated with various lights, small neon signs, and large posters of unbelievably hot anime girls.

"Grab a brew, it don't cost nothing," the rusty armor man said drunkenly. Zidane and Vivi started looking around. Vivi walked into a big room and headed over to four Genomes who were playing cards. Vivi tried to speak to them, but they said nothing in response. Zidane headed down some nearby stairs to a lower deck where a large bar had been set up, one of the walls had various odd phrases written small-graffiti-style on it, like, "Don Corneo Haz No Dick," or, "C-Day Rulez," or, "Garland Sux" or "Mooglez PWN." Zidane walked over to the drink counter, where a young girl was tending the bar.

"Hi, you want a beer…Zidane?" the girl asked.

"Sure," Zidane said as he took a beer. A plump young man then walked up to the drink counter. He was dressed in a thick white shirt, orange vest, green pants, bright brown boots, and a pair of aviator goggles, and he had both a short beard and mustache.

"Hi, Zidane. I'm Baku Hoomeer, chapter president," The young man said to Zidane.

"Hello," Zidane responded.

"Ruby, have you seen Boon?" Baku asked the girl.

"He disappeared the minute we got here," Ruby answered.

"He's probably upstairs, talking to Otter," Baku responded.

"No doubt, they're well-known drunken idiots," Ruby responded in a rather snarky tone.

"Have another beer, Zidane. She's just kidding, right Stein-O?" Baku called over to the man in rusty armor, who took off his helmet and crushed a beer can against his forehead. Up in one of the sleeping cabins, a redhead Genome named Blank was flipping through a magazine while another named Marcus was getting ready for something big.

"You goin' out tonight, Otter?" Blank asked Marcus over the loud music which could be heard from in the sleeping cabin.

"Uh, huh," Marcus said with a smile on his face.

"Ilene?" Blank asked while flipping through his magazine.

"No, but let me give you a hint. She's got skin that's smoother than silk," Marcus responded while looking through his closet.

"Laura," Blank said flatly.

"No, but you're getting warmer. Let me give you another hint. Does this ring any bells?" Marcus asked before he did an imitation of a girl's voice.

"Michiko! Don't tell me you plan on hooking up with Michiko," Blank said, looking up from his magazine.

"Boon, I am anticipating a deeply emotional experience. But why are you so interested in my social life? Where's Ruby?" Marcus asked as he put on a nice shirt.

"Downstairs, pissed off about something," Blank answered flatly.

"She thinks that you're an immature jerk, huh?" Marcus asked.

"Yeah, I don't take anything seriously," Blank said as he went back to reading his magazine.

"Well, she'll take this seriously. It's my special cologne," Marcus said as he handed Blank a small crystal bottle filled with shimmering liquid.

Unknown to Blank, Baku poked his head in through the cabin door and asked, "Hey, are you guys coming down?"

"Does this thing talk?" Blank asked rather stupidly as he examined the bottle.

"There happen to be 50 people downstairs waiting to try and get into this fraternity. Otter, you _are_ the rush chairman, I think you should be present at the rush party," Baku told Marcus before taking his leave. Back downstairs, a Genome came charging in through the front door on a motorcycle, he drove up the stairs and stopped in front of Zidane. Marcus came down from the upper set of stairs and spoke to Zidane.

"Hi. Marcus Stratton. Rush chairman, damn glad to meet you," Marcus said to Zidane as he headed down the stairs.

Blank, who was following behind, said to Zidane, "Hi, that was Marcus Stratton, he was damn glad to meet you." Baku came up the stairs.

"Zidane, I see you've met C-Day. It's good that you're having a nice time," he said while indicating the Genome on the motorcycle. Zidane shook hands with C-Day, who then proceeded to perfectly croak the opening theme for FF IX by flicking his neck. Zidane was both amused and impressed by this. Back down on the lower floor, Blank and Marcus were talking to Vivi until Baku cut in.

"Vivi here is a legacy. His brother was a Delta a few years back," Baku pointed out.

"My brother told me that legacies usually get asked to pledge automatically," Vivi said to Blank and Marcus.

"Well, usually, unless the pledge in question turns out to be a complete closet case," Marcus said. "Like Lan," Marcus and Blank said in unison.

"Hey! Don't bag on my older brother. People who do that think it makes them look cultured, but they just come off as bitter!" Vivi said sharply to the two. Baku led Vivi away.

"Vivi seems like a nice oddball," Blank said, then he caught sight of Ruby, who flipped him the finger just as she walked out the door.

"Hey, Ruby!" Blank said as he chased after her.

"Ruby, where are you going?" Blank asked as he jumped down from the ship's docks.

"I'm going home, Blank," Ruby said. "Oh, come on! You just got here," Blank said.

"No, Blank, you just got here, and I've been waiting downstairs for an hour," Ruby replied.

"Look, maybe we could drive up to your folks' place this weekend," Blank suggested.

"Oh fabulous. My hover-car filled with your little beer buddies going to empty my parents' liquor cabinets. That's too depressing to think about," Ruby responded.

"No, I mean just me, you, Marcus, and some other girl," Blank clarified.

"Is this really what you intend on doing for the rest of your life?" Ruby asked with a laugh.

"What do you mean?" Blank asked.

"I mean hanging around with a bunch of crazy animals and getting hammered every weekend," Ruby explained.

"No, after I graduate, I'm gonna stick with the Deltas and get drunk every night," Blank answered, then he started humming and dancing around with Ruby, then shortly, he collapsed. Ruby caught Blank in her arms. Blank had a drunken smirk on his face.

"Blank, I think I'm in love with a drunken retard," Ruby said with a giggle.

"He's not bigger than me, is he?" Blank asked drunkenly and stupidly. Ruby then let Blank fall to the ground.


	3. Double Secret Probation

Chapter 3

Double Secret Probation

The next morning, Dean Garland-the university's headmaster-was in his office, speaking with Kuja.

"Kuja, what is the worst fraternity on this campus?" Dean Garland asked.

"That would be hard to answer, sir. Each fraternity is outstanding in its own way," Kuja answered.

"Cut the Chocobo shit, Arnolan. I've got their disciplinary files right here," Dean Garland said as he picked up a set of papers off his desk.

"Who dumped two truckloads of Gysahl greens into the swim meet? Who delivered the medical school cadavers to the alumni dinner? Every Halloween, the Myrrh trees are filled with dirty underpants. Every Spring, all the toilets in the school buildings explode," Dean Garland said as he read the files.

"Oh, you mean the Deltas, sir," Kuja answered, coming to realize what Garland was talking about.

"Of course I'm talking about Delta, you complete twit!" Dean Garland said sharply as he slammed the papers back onto his desk, "But, this year, it's going to be different. This year, we're going to grab the wyvern by the tail and kick those smug little, thieving punks off my campus."

"What exactly do you plan to do, sir? Delta's already on probation," Kuja pointed out.

"Then as of this moment, those loons are on double secret probation!" Dean Garland said.

"Double secret probation, sir?" Kuja asked.

"I have been given unlimited power to do what is necessary to preserve order. I want you to find me a way to revoke Delta's charter. That should not be hard, since you live next door. Put Neidermeyer up to it, he's a sneaky little bug just like you," Dean Garland said.

"Very well, sir," Kuja answered. Back at the Delta House…er…ship, which ever you prefer. The Deltas were gathered in a room while looking at a picture of Zidane that was projected on a hanging screen.

"Uh…Zidane Tribal. All in favor," Baku said. Everyone all agreed to it.

"We need the dues," a Delta member said.

"Okay, good. Zidane Tribal is now pledged to Delta Chi Tantalus. Next slide please, C-Day," Baku said. Cinna switched the slides, and the minute the picture came up, Steiner screamed while the other Deltas jeered and threw their beer cans at Vivi's picture.

"Just a minute now, settle down. This is Vivi Ornitier. He's a legacy from the Black Mage Village," Baku pointed out to the crowd. But the crowd only jeered in response. Blank quickly got up from his seat.

"Okay, okay. This little guy is a real zero, that's true. Just think back to when we were all freshman. Marcus, you had a face like a pepperoni pizza. And Nono. (Balthier's moogle mechanic from FF XII). Everyone thought that Nono was brain-damaged, because he would sometimes fly upside-down. I, myself, was so obnoxious, that the seniors always used to beat me up once every week. So Vivi may be a nutcase. Well, let me tell you the story about another nutcase," Blank said, but before he could finish, the other Deltas jeered and pelted Blank with beer cans. Back with Zidane and Vivi, who were fast asleep in their dorm room, they were both sleeping ever so soundly, until suddenly, they were woken up by a bang and were blasted in the faces by jets of some kind of white smoke. Vivi and Zidane rubbed their eyes and saw that Blank and Marcus were wildly spraying them with fire extinguishers while yelling indistinctively. Marcus and Blank pulled Vivi and Zidane out of their beds and led them into the hallway. The two tired and somewhat disoriented friends were led back to the Delta's ship, the _Delta Vista_ (I'm just gonna stick to calling it the _Delta Vista_ from here on out). Back in the ship's bar, the new pledges were lined up, standing shoulder to shoulder.

"I-state your name," Baku said. The new pledges had their right hands raised and repeated the words, but only a few actually said their names.

"Do hereby pledge my allegiance to the frat," Baku continued. The pledges repeated the words exactly.

"Uh…with liberty and fraternity for all," Baku finished. The new pledges repeated the words.

"Sergeant at arms, do your duty," Baku said to Steiner. Steiner got up while carrying a small, round satchel. He walked in front of the new pledges, telling them their Delta names while handing a pledge pin (which each resembled the Delta frat's sigil: the Greek letter for Delta with the letters X and T in the center of it) to each of the new pledges. Soon, Steiner reached Zidane.

"Zidane, from now on your Delta Chi Tantalus name is Pinto," Steiner said as he handed a pledge pin to Zidane.

"Why 'Pinto'?" Zidane asked curiously.

"Why not?" Steiner replied with a belch.

"What's my Delta Chi Tantalus name?" Vivi asked.

"Vivi, we've given this a lot of thought. Your Delta name is Flounder," Steiner said as he handed Vivi his pledge pin. Once Steiner finished, Baku spoke.

"You are all Deltas now," Baku said proudly. The other Deltas cheered as they doused the new pledges with beer, Blank started up the Rock Solid nightclub music, all the Deltas began to party. They all were drunk in a matter of minutes. Next door at the Omega castle, the Omegas were holding their own initiation in the castle's top central chamber. Inside the round chamber, all of the current members were wearing Organization-XIII-styled cloaks and they had their hoods pulled over their heads, and they were standing close to the walls of the chamber while facing the center. A glowing ring of strange letters was etched into the center of the chamber floor. The eight leaders of Omega were dressed the same way a Black Waltz normally dresses, but each coat was a different color, each of the leaders was holding an ornate, iron staff in his right hand, a diamond-shaped crystal sat at the top of each staff. Each crystal was one of eight colors: red, orange, yellow, green, dark blue, light blue, purple, and white. Each of the crystal's color corresponded to the color of its staff-wielder's coat. The leaders were standing at equal positions near the outer edge of the shimmering ring.

"We now consecrate the bond of obedience," Kuja, who was wearing the red coat, said.

"Assume the position," Kuja said to the first new pledge. The new pledge stepped into the center of the ring. The eight leaders raised their staffs and strands of magic began spiraling around the new pledge's body, all meeting at the top of his right arm, causing the Omega group's sigil to appear on that spot.

"Once you bear the sigil, you are forever part of the Omega Brotherhood," Kuja said.

"I shall forever swear my loyalty only to the brotherhood," the new pledge said.

 **Author's Note: the reason that the Omegas' initiation scene in this fic is out of sync with the one in the movie is because I never understood the whole "thank you sir, may I have another" thing, and I probably never will.**


	4. Neidermeyer's Golf Lesson

Chapter 4

Neidermeyer's Golf Lesson

The next day, several students were sitting in the English classroom, they were all bored out of their minds as they listened to their teacher drone on about a writer by the name of Vincent Valentine (If you want to know how boring this was, then think Professor Binn's classes from 'Harry Potter' only twice as boring).

Eventually the teacher said, "Don't write this down, but I find Valentine as boring as you do. He was very long-winded. His words don't translate well into our generation, and his jokes stink." The bell rang and everyone quickly got up.

"But that does not relieve you from your responsibility for this material. I'm expecting some reports from some of you," the teacher said as the students quickly cleared out. Out in the campus field, Lily and Beatrix were sitting on some bleachers while chatting.

"Come on, Beatrix, you know I'd tell you. Are you and Kuja doing the dirty deed or not?" Lily asked.

"Kuja doesn't believe in any of that premarital stuff," Beatrix answered.

"That's too bad. I think he's cute," Lily responded. Unknown to both of them, Steiner was sitting beneath the bleachers while listening to their conversation with a big grin on his face, probably because he could see up Beatrix's skirt. Elsewhere on the campus field, Vivi and several tall black mages were in the middle of doing jumping jacks. The mages all wore dark green hats and vests. The mage giving the orders looked up at the sky to see something flying down to the field.

The mage turned to the others and said, "Company, HALT!" The mages stopped as Doug Neidermeyer, whom was dressed in military-style Black Waltz clothing, came flying on the back of a very strange creature. It appeared humanoid from the waist up, but from the waist down it had a long tail covered with smooth cloud-blue feathers that resembled fish scales, it also had a set of big frills growing out of the end of the tail almost like a fish's tailfin, the creature had long light-cerulean-blue feathers for hair, instead of arms it had long bright blue wings like the Sealion ice giant boss from FF IX, except these wings were longer and lacey, a set of five short skinny tendrils forming a hand growing out of each wrist joint, it wore a black bikini top, its nose was long and pointed like a hummingbird's beak, its skin was cloud-blue, its eyes were big, glassy, and pinkish-purple, and it had a pair of blue fish-fin-like web-frills growing out of the sides of its head where its ears might otherwise be. The creature glided along behind the mages.

"Dress that line," Doug said to Vivi. Vivi did nothing, having no clue what 'dress that line' meant. Doug rode up to the front, the mage who was giving the orders saluted Doug.

Doug turned back to Vivi and said, "Dress that line, mister." Still Vivi did nothing. Baku and Marcus climbed up a hill near where the mages were while carrying golf equipment.

"Mister, hold my mount," Doug said as he handed the reins to the mage standing next to Vivi. Doug got off his mount and stared down coldly at Vivi with a soul-piercing gaze.

"You shrunken, disgusting slob. YOU'RE A GODDAMN DISGRACE!" he bellowed at Vivi.

"A vicious mother isn't he?" Marcus said to Baku.

"He can't do that to our pledges. Only we can do that to our pledges," Baku said while Marcus was setting up.

"Redo those buttons. Dress that belt buckle. Straighten that cap." Doug ordered as he slapped Vivi's cap off his head. Vivi bent down to pick it up.

"And for God's sake, tuck in those pajamas!" Doug said sharply as he kicked Vivi in the rear. Doug stepped back in front of Vivi.

"ATTENTION! EYES FRONT!" Doug ordered. Vivi stood straight and stared forward.

"What's that on your chest, mister," Doug asked, looking quite agitated.

Vivi was hesitant but he answered, "It's my pledge pin, sir."

"A PLEDGE PIN!? ON YOUR UNIFORM!?" Doug shouted at Vivi. Marcus whacked a golf ball.

"Hooked it. Shoot," Marcus said as the ball went crashing through a window.

"Just tell me, mister, what fraternity would pledge a…mage like you?" Doug asked.

"It's a Delta pin, sir," Vivi answered. Marcus hit another ball.

"Slice," he said as the ball went into another window.

"You will report to the stable tonight and every night at 1900 hours AND WITHOUT THAT STUPID PLEDGE PIN! DO YOU UNDERSTAND!?" Doug bellowed at Vivi with fire burning in his eyes. By now, Vivi would have probably set Doug's coat on fire, but right now he was too scared to do anything (hell, I'd be too if I were him).

"Your left arm is straight, but you're not keeping your head down," Baku said to Marcus, who was setting up another ball.

"You're all worthless and weak. Now drop and give me 20!" Doug ordered as he climbed back onto his mount. The mages all did as ordered. Marcus whacked another ball. This one struck the tail of Doug's mount, causing it to rear up.

"Everyone get back in rank!" Doug ordered as he tried to calm his mount.

"Always try to hit through the ball," Baku said. Marcus hit another ball. This one nailed Doug between the eyes, knocking him off his mount and on his back, his legs were still caught in the lower reins. Doug was dragged screaming across the field by his mount while the other mages, except Vivi, chased after him to help him.

"I gotta work on my game," Marcus said grinning as he watched Doug get dragged across the field. Elsewhere, Blank, Zidane, and Ruby were walking across the campus.

"Now, I want you to fix Pinto up, but it's got to be a very special girl. She should be decent-looking, but we are willing to trade looks for a certain morally casual attitude," Blank said to Ruby.

"You mean you want a girl that he can screw on the first date," Ruby responded with a laugh.

"Well put. Because, you see, Pinto's never been laid," Blank said.

"Hey!" Zidane said sharply.

"Well, I'll see what I can do," Ruby said. The three headed to Mr. Highwind's apartment. They walked in, sat down and talked to Mr. Highwind.

"Now, teaching is just a way of paying the rent until I finish building my new airship," Mr. Highwind said.

"Must be something big," Blank replied.

"Would anyone like to smoke?" Mr. Highwind asked. The three nodded. Mr. Highwind got up and closed the blinds. Then he lit a candle and a small joint, which he handed to Blank. Blank puffed it a little before handing it to Ruby. Mr. Highwind lit another joint and handed it to Zidane. Zidane examined the tiny cigarette.

"I'm not gonna go schizo, am I?" Zidane asked.

"It is possible, but don't worry. This is a kind of artificial weed. It won't hurt you," Mr. Highwind responded. Zidane puffed the small cigarette a little. He sputtered and coughed, blowing out the candle by accident. Mr. Highwind relit the candle. Eventually, both Ruby and Blank were stoned, and they were singing like a pair of loons. A little while later, Ruby, Blank, and Zidane left.


	5. The Sea Flyer's Heart Attack

Chapter 5

The Sea Flyer's Heart Attack

Later that night, Vivi was stuck trying to fix up the stable, which was tricky to do since Doug's Sea Flyer (his mount that dragged him across the field) kept flailing its wings at Vivi while making weird chirping sounds.

"Knock it off," Vivi said sharply to the creature. But it only kept reaching at Vivi and flailing its wings before curling back up. Doug, who was currently wearing a neck brace, came up to the stable to see Vivi holding up his shovel defensively.

"Give me that," Doug said as he snatched the shovel from Vivi and then pushed him away.

"There, there, girl. Luna, just calm down," Doug said softly to the Sea Flyer. He then turned to Vivi.

"You stupid son of a bitch!" Doug said as he grabbed Vivi by his coat and dragged him out.

"Ornitier, for God's sake, what kind of man hits a defenseless creature?" Doug asked angrily as he shoved Vivi against the wall.

"Defenseless creature, my ass," Vivi thought.

"I have half a mind to smash your small head. Now listen, you nauseating pile of shit, your days at Alexandria are numbered, you and all your lowlife Delta buddies. In the meantime, your ass belongs to me. Now drop and give me twenty," Doug ordered. Vivi dropped and started doing pushups.

"I want these quarters standing tall at exactly 0900 tomorrow. You got that?" Doug ordered.

"Yes sir," Vivi mumbled as Doug took his leave. A minute later, Steiner and Cinna slipped into the stables and ran over to Vivi.

"Brother C-Day, Brother Stein-O," Vivi said, relieved to see friendly faces.

"Don't you hate that dick-face?" Cinna asked.

"Who?" Vivi asked.

"Neidermeyer. You hate his guts right?" Steiner asked.

"I guess so," Vivi answered.

"You guess so?" Steiner asked.

"Yes, I hate him!" Vivi said sharply.

"We have an old saying in Delta. Don't get mad, get even," Cinna said, then he whispered his plan to Vivi. Steiner then silently slipped out to the school administration building. He looked around, then he signaled Vivi and Cinna to let them know that the cost was clear. Both of them came while leading Luna. They silently slipped into the building, and Cinna led Luna into Dean Garland's office, then he came out and shut the door.

"She's in there. This is great!" Vivi said. Cinna then handed Vivi an arrowgun.

"Now finish her, Flounder," Cinna said devilishly.

"Are you kidding? I've never shot anything in my life," Vivi said frightfully as he took the arrowgun.

"I thought you hated Neidermeyer's guts," Steiner said.

"I do hate his guts," Vivi said. "Then get rid of that pet creature of his. Get it over with, Vivi," Cinna said. Vivi cocked the arrowgun and slowly walked back into the office.

"Just blanks, right?" Steiner whispered to Cinna.

"Right," Cinna answered. Vivi pointed the arrowgun at Luna. She responded by curling up while making odd chirping sounds, as if pleading him not to shoot her. Vivi kept the arrowgun pointing at Luna, but he couldn't bring himself to shoot her. He pointed the arrowgun at the ceiling, shut his eyes and squeezed off a shot. The gunshot startled Luna, causing her to let out a shrill shriek of fright. Outside the office, Steiner and Cinna were grinning, that is, until they heard a _thud_ , their grins instantly vanished and the two ran into the office to see Vivi shaking and Luna dead.

"Holy shit!" Steiner said.

"There were blanks in that arrowgun," Cinna said as he quickly took the arrowgun and opened the ammo cartridge.

"I didn't even point the arrowgun at her," Vivi said.

"Holy shit!" Steiner repeated.

"There were blanks in that arrowgun!" Cinna said as he examined the ammo cartridge's contents.

"Maybe she had a heart attack," Vivi said.

"Holy shit!" Steiner repeated. The three of them then tore out of the building while screaming.

 **Author's Note: another short chapter just like I said. Some of these chapters will be short.**


	6. Lunch with Steiner

Chapter 6

Lunch with Steiner

The next morning, Dean Garland was conversing with Queen Brahne about the parade, while two janitors were trying to carry Doug's dead Sea Flyer out of the office.

"If you want the homecoming parade in my city, you have to pay, Garland," Queen Brahne said as she fanned herself with the ridiculous red folding fan she always seems to carry around.

"Your Majesty, I don't think it's right that you should extort money from the college," Dean Garland said.

"Look, Garland. These parades are very expensive, you're using my knights, my sanitation people, and other things. So if you mention extortion again, I shall have your legs broken," Queen Brahne responded as a seemingly evil grin spread across her butt-ugly face.

"Well I suppose I could arrange a nice little honorarium from the student fund," Dean Garland said with a rather nervous chuckle.

"And one more thing, you had better sit on that zoo fraternity of yours. I do not want any drunken riots in my city," Queen Brahne pointed out.

"Don't worry, Your Majesty. I've got those boys right where I want them, we'll have the best homecoming parade that Alexandria has ever seen," Dean Garland said. The two janitors then started dragging the dead creature out.

In the cafeteria, Steiner was getting his lunch. He grabbed a bowl of soup and saw something round and white floating in the broth, he picked up the object. It was a golf ball. Steiner put the golf ball in his pocket and proceeded to get his lunch, he piled as much food as he could onto his tray, he ate some of the food while still picking up more. He even stuffed some food into his pockets. After he felt he had collected a decent amount of food, he started heading for a table. At one of the tables, Lily was sitting down and minding her own business, until Marcus sat down next to her.

"Hey, Lily, what's happenin'?" Marcus asked with a smile.

"Go away," Lily said.

"How about I buy you lunch?" Marcus asked. Lily held up her lunch.

"Oh, you already got your lunch. Well, how about I just massage your back while you eat?" Marcus asked.

"Do I have to leave?" Lily asked sharply.

"Hey, is this any way to treat a potential friend?" Marcus asked.

"I asked you never to speak to me again, now will you bug off?" Lily asked. Steiner soon caught sight of Marcus and headed over to him, but first he slipped up behind Doug, who was sitting with several other tall mages, and made a few chirping sounds, similar to the sounds that Luna made. This caused Doug to abruptly sit straight up and grunt. Steiner quickly slipped away after that. Kuja, Skip, and Beatrix sat down at Lily's table.

"I hope we're not interrupting anything, Lily," Beatrix said with a giggle.

"Oh, Marcus was just leaving," Lily quickly said.

"No, I was not," Marcus said.

Kuja then said, "I could easily make you leave ri-." Kuja stopped to see Steiner sit down.

"Hey, Stein-O," Marcus said to Steiner, who took a quick look at Beatrix and then just started pigging out.

"Really, Kuja, can't you make them both leave?" Lily asked.

"Don't worry, just keep your arms and legs away from his mouth," Marcus chuckled while Steiner continued to pig out.

"Don't you have any kind of respect for yourself?" Kuja asked Steiner. Steiner just ignored him.

"This is totally disgusting. That man is a complete pig," Lily said.

"No he is not," Marcus protested.

"No, Marcus, she's right. I am a pig, but let's see if they can guess what I am now," Steiner said. He picked up a ball of clotted icing off his ice cream. He held up the icing ball for a second before popping it into his mouth. Steiner chewed for about a second or two, then he puffed his cheeks with air and smashed them with his fists, spitting out and splattering bits of icing on Kuja, Skip, Lily, and Beatrix, all of whom groaned in disgust.

"I'm a zit. Get it?" Steiner asked with a grin on his face.

"Alright, you bastard! Let's go, right here!" Kuja growled through his gritted teeth. Steiner bounced his eyebrows up and down for two seconds and then got up and ran. Kuja and Skip got up and ran after him. Steiner ran as fast as he could, and in the process he ran into another student and caused him to fall backwards onto Neidermeyer's table. Doug and the tall mages got up and ran after Steiner. Steiner threw a chair behind him, which Doug tripped over and the other mages tripped over Doug. The mages quickly got back to their feet and chased after Steiner. Marcus chuckled at the scene, then he turned to Lily.

"Why don't we go out tonight?" Marcus asked.

"Don't flatter yourself, Marcus. It wasn't that great," Lily answered.

"'It wasn't that great'?" Marcus thought.

"FOOD FI-I-I-I-IGHT!" Steiner yelled out. The other students instantly started throwing their food at one another. It was complete pandemonium. Food, dishes, and trays were flying everywhere. Later that night, Beatrix was hanging out with Kuja in his hover-car.

"The sky is so beautiful at night," Beatrix said as she leaned her head on Kuja's shoulder. Kuja said nothing in response.

"You okay, Kuja?" Beatrix asked.

"It's just that whole thing with the Deltas. It has me a little distracted. Gods know how much they've stolen," Kuja said.

They were both silent for another few seconds, then Kuja said, "That Marcus Stratton's lucky he's not in prison."

"I'll say," Beatrix responded.

"You'll say what?" Kuja asked.

"I'm saying that I agree with what you said about Marcus," Beatrix answered,

"I should probably get home, it's really late."


	7. Beatrix's Secret Admirer

Chapter 7

Beatrix's Secret Admirer

Kuja drove back to the house that Beatrix and her friends were staying in. Unknown to both of them, Steiner was hiding in the bushes while watching them, like a beast stalking its prey. Beatrix got out of the hover-car and headed into the house. Steiner did not make his move just yet. Kuja started up his hover-car again and drove off. The very second that Kuja was out of eyeshot, Steiner slipped out of his hiding spot and walked to the back of the house, then ran off. Steiner came back a second later with a ladder. He leaned the ladder against the wall. Steiner grabbed a chunk from a nearby shrub and stuck it on the top of his helmet in an attempt to camouflage his head, then he started climbing up. He climbed to the top and looked in through the upstairs window and saw Beatrix and her friends beating each other with pillows while giggling like a bunch of little schoolgirls. Steiner kept his head low so the girls wouldn't see his face.

"So Bea, how was your date with Kuja?" One of the girls asked. Beatrix just excused herself and walked into the next room. Steiner started hopping to the side on his ladder. After half a minute, he made it to the next window. Steiner looked in to see that Beatrix just finished changing into her sleeping garments. Beatrix then turned toward the window and instantly recognized Steiner, she had no idea how long Steiner had been there. Now in most situations like this, some girls would have screamed and quickly torn out of the room, other girls would have walked toward the window and pushed Steiner to make him fall backwards while still on the ladder, but not Beatrix. She only silently gasped and just stood there and stared at Steiner. Steiner could easily see a blush creeping across Beatrix's face. He turned toward the readers and bounced his eyebrows up and down for a few seconds while grinning before turning back to face Beatrix. Both of them were silent. Just when it looked like one of them was about to say something, Steiner accidentally leaned backwards and fell down while still holding on to the ladder. He landed back-first on the ground, his armor making a clunk sound on collision with the grassy ground. Steiner was a little bit stunned. After he came back to his senses, he quickly ran back to the _Delta Vista_ in case the sound caught the attention of a passerby.

 **Author's Note: this is more of a sub-chapter, if anything.**


	8. Preparing to Party

Chapter 8

Preparing to Party

Later on in the semester, during noon, one of the university's staff members was printing off copies of the upcoming psych exam. After the aforementioned staff member finished printing the copies, he took the copy sheet off the copier and put it in a nearby trashcan.

Several hours later, Skip slipped into the room and took out the copy sheet while substituting it with another, then taking his leave. A few more hours later, a janitor came in, emptied the trashcan into the large basket he was towing, then exited the room. The janitor went into a storage closet and emptied the large basket into one of the trash bins in the closet then he left.

Later at night, Steiner and Cinna broke into the closet and were digging around for the copy sheet. Steiner dove into one of the trash bins while Cinna examined the papers while holding a small flashlight in his mouth. They anxiously dug through the trash. After a minute of looking, Steiner excitedly erupted from beneath the trash while holding a copy sheet. Cinna excitedly examined the copy sheet.

"That's it," Cinna said. He helped Steiner out of the trash bin. The two covered their tracks and ran out of the building and back to the _Delta Vista_.(Don't judge the Deltas on attempting to steal the copy sheet. They're desperate to keep their frat going). In a room in the Omega castle, Skip and Kuja were looking at a security screen which was connected to a hidden camera that Kuja had slipped into the closet a few weeks back. They watched Steiner and Cinna cover their tracks and run out.

"Fine work, Skip. Fine work," Kuja said with an evil grin on his face.

The next day, all the Deltas, some other students and a few of the Omegas were in one of the classrooms and were focusing on their test papers. The Deltas occasionally flashed smug grins at each other, thinking they had the test in the bag. Blank, however, kept looking over his shoulder at Ruby. Doug, who finally recovered from being dragged across the field, Kuja and Skip all looked over at the Deltas, the three of them had evil grins on their faces.

"Morons," the three of them thought. After class let out, the Deltas all returned to the ship. Baku went over to another frat house to speak with some of its members, there was another frat that looked out for the Deltas, it was run by moogles. Blank and Marcus sat down on the couch in one of the ship's large rooms where several of the other Deltas were hanging out.

"Eh, she broke our date," Marcus said to Blank.

"Washing her hair?" Blank asked.

"Dead mother," Marcus said.

"Sheesh, the early death excuse shouldn't work anymore. We have phoenix downs for a reason. I heard they were able to use one to revive Luna when they got her out of Garland's office," Blank said with annoyance. Baku came running in through the front door, his goggles askew and sweat dripping from his head and facial hair, he looked very distraught.

"We're in trouble! I just checked with the moogles at the Jewish House, and they said that every one of our answers on the psych test were wrong!" Baku said as he wiped sweat from his forehead.

"Every single one?" Blank asked with a look of sheer disbelief on his face.

"Those idiots must have stolen the wrong fucking exam!" Marcus said while indicating Steiner and Cinna, both of whom were looking at each other with looks of confusion. Just then, Dean Garland came strutting into the room.

"Oh, man. Look what just creeped in," Marcus said under his breath as he and the other Deltas quickly hid their beer bottles, but not before Dean Garland saw the bottles.

"Well, well, well. Looks like somebody forgot that there's a rule against alcoholic beverages in fraternities on probation," Dean Garland said while looking around at the Deltas.

"What a complete tool," Marcus muttered.

"What was that, Stratton?" Dean Garland demanded as he sharply turned toward Marcus.

Marcus then said, "I said, what a shame that a few bad apples have to go and spoil a good time for everyone by breaking the rules."

"Put a cork in it, Stratton. Or so help me, you will be out of this college like shit through a Flan," Dean Garland said coldly. This was more than enough to make Marcus shut up.

"Now have any of you boys seen your grade point average yet?" Dean Garland asked. After a few seconds, Baku stood up and said,

"I have, sir. I know it's a little below par-."

Dean Garland rudely cut him off and said in a sharp tone, "It's more than a little below par, Mr. Hoomeer. It stinks!" Baku was stunned.

"It's the lowest on my campus. It's the lowest in Alexandria history!" Dean Garland said sharply.

"Uh, well sir, we're hoping that our midterm grades will help our average," Baku spoke up.

"Ha!" Blank said.

"Laugh now, because you nimrods have been on double secret probation since the beginning of this semester," Dean Garland said.

"Double secret probation?" Marcus muttered, trying to hold back his laugh.

"And that means that one more slipup, so much as one more small mistake, and this little fraternity of yours has had it at Alexandria University," Dean Garland said coldly before departing.

"Well, that was pleasant, nice of him to drop by," Blank said.

"We've gotta do something. He's serious this time, I think he knows about the exams," Baku said, looking distraught again.

"He's right," Blank said to Marcus.

"You're right, we gotta do something," Marcus said to Baku.

"Absolutely. You know what we gotta do?" Blank asked Marcus.

"Toga disco rave," Marcus and Blank said in unison.

"We're on double secret probation, whatever that is. We can't afford to hold a toga disco rave," Baku said.

"Are you guys up for a toga rave?" Marcus asked everyone.

"Toga! Toga!" Steiner yelled.

"I think they like the idea, Hoom," Marcus said.

"Otter, please don't do this," Baku pleaded.

"I got news for ya, Baku. Dean Garland's gonna nail us no matter what we do. So we might as well try to have a good time," Marcus said to Baku, then he turned to the others and started chanting, "Toga! Toga! Toga! Toga!" Steiner got up and joined in, and soon, so did the others.

"Toga! Toga! Toga! Toga! Toga! Toga! Toga! Toga! Toga! Toga!" the others chanted. Eventually, Baku caved and joined in on the chanting. Later on, Blank was at the Laundromat, and he was talking to Ruby about the toga rave.

"No, Ruby, it's not going to be an orgy. It's just a toga rave," Blank said as he put a pair of underpants on his head.

"Honestly, Blank, in six months you're going to graduate, and tomorrow night, you're gonna wrap yourself up in a bed sheet and pour alcohol all over your head," Ruby said as she pulled the underpants off of Blank's head, "It's cute, but I think I'll pass this time."

"You want me to go alone?" Blank asked.

"Sugar pie, I don't want you to go at all," Ruby responded.

"It's a frat party. I'm in the frat. How could I miss it?" Blank asked.

"I'll write a note. I'll say that you're too well to attend," Ruby answered.

"That's real funny," Blank said flatly. Back outside the _Delta Vista_ , some of the guys were taking a good look at Vivi's new sweet ride, it was a sleek, black hover-car, it looked like an oval-shaped flying saucer of some sorts, and it was roughly bigger than a minivan.

"Whoo! Hoo-Ha! Where'd Vivi get the rings?" Blank asked, very impressed.

"From his brother. He's letting Vivi use it for the next week or two. Vivi's also bringing his girlfriend to the party," Marcus answered.

"Flounder, I am appointing you pledge representative to the social committee," Marcus said to Vivi.

"Gee, Otter, thanks," Vivi said with a smile on his innocent-little-boy face.

"What do I need to do?" Vivi quickly asked.

"It means you have to drive us to the Food King," Marcus said as he, Blank and Zidane piled into the hover-car. Vivi quickly got in and the four drove off. At the Food King, Marcus was tossing food over his head. Vivi was struggling to catch it all.

"Otter, please stop it," Vivi said to Marcus. Marcus still kept tossing food over his shoulder. Zidane and Blank were over by the frozen foods. Blank quickly started tucking in Zidane's sweater.

"What are you doing, man?" Zidane asked.

"I'm fixing your sweater. There you go," Blank said as he finished tucking in Zidane's sweater. Blank then started grabbing food out of the freezers and stuffing it into Zidane's sweater.

"Now stick with me and keep your sweater closed," Blank said.

"Hey, I could get in trouble," Zidane said. "That's why you need to keep your sweater closed," Blank pointed out. Both of them then walked elsewhere. Marcus was in the veggie section, he walked up to a very strange girl. She looked like a strange cat-human hybrid, she had red whisker stripes on her cheeks, her ears were those of a cat, she had a furry brown tail like the Genomes did, but hers was very bushy on the end. Aside from that, she looked completely human, her skin was light peach, she had big teal-colored eyes, long shoulder-length poufy messy dark-purple hair, some of which was tied into a pair of long wavy ponytails, she was dressed in a purple sweater with a light-blue top underneath, a peach-colored skirt, and white boots, she also wore a small blue scarf and was about as tall as Marcus. She was looking through the veggies and then she pulled out a cucumber.

"Mine's bigger than that," Marcus said to the girl while chuckling.

"Hmm?" the girl asked Marcus.

"My cucumber. It's bigger," Marcus answered as he held up a cucumber, which was bigger than the one the girl was holding. The girl giggled at Marcus.

"Veggies can be very sensuous, don't you think?" Marcus asked with a smile. The girl shook her head.

"Mm-mm. Vegetables are sensual. Only people are sensuous," the girl responded.

"Either way, I'm sure you get my point. By the way, my name's Marcus Stratton," Marcus said.

"Marcus. That's a nice name. I'm Mihoshi Garland," the girl replied while keeping her big, anime-like eyes fixed on Marcus.

"Really? We have a Dean Garland at Alexandria University," Marcus said.

"Quite a coincidence. I have a foster father named Dean Garland who works at Alexandria University," Mihoshi said, not taking her eyes off Marcus. Blank and Zidane were walking through a checkout lane.

"Nothing for me today, thanks," Blank said to a girl who had neck-length black hair and was wearing a bright orange jumper, white pants, a blue shirt and a Falcon Claw pendant. Zidane followed Blank, but the girl grabbed him by his arm.

"Uh, it seems like you gained a few pounds since you came in," the girl said to Zidane. "It's just a prank. I'm pledging a fraternity," Zidane quietly explained.

"Don't worry, sweetheart, I won't tell a soul," the girl said. Marcus was still talking to Mihoshi, who still had not taken her eyes off him.

"So, we're having a little party at the Delta Chi Tantalus ship tonight, and you are certainly invited, Mihoshi," Marcus said.

"Well, I'll see if I can attend," Mihoshi answered with a smile on her face. Zidane was still conversing with the girl, who had introduced herself as Garnet.

"So, anyway, if you're not busy tonight, would you like to go to a frat party?" Zidane asked.

"Will I be home by 12:00?" Garnet asked.

"Sure," Zidane answered.

"My mother would kill me if she knew I was going to attend a fraternity house party. Could I perhaps meet you there?" Garnet asked.

"Sure, that's perfect," Zidane said happily with a smile. Zidane, Vivi and Marcus followed Blank back out to the hover-car with their party supplies in tow.

 **Author's Note: for those of you who don't understand the "where'd Vivi get the rings" line. It's similar to referring to a car as a set of wheels, except instead of wheels, the hover-cars use glossair rings, which are the spinning rings that are seen on most of the airships in Final Fantasy XII.**


End file.
